| 미국에서 인상 깊은 것 중 하나가 심리학적 용어들이 일상화 되어 있다는 점이다. 개인차를 강조하는 문화라서 그런지, 교회 친구들에게서 자신이 어떤 타입인지에 대해 분석하는 이야기를 많이 듣게 된다. 사람의 성향을 나누는 가장 일반적인 기준 중 하나가 Introvert/Extrovert다. 나는 처음에 한국사전의 "번역"을 따라, 단순하게 내향적인 사람(Introvert)과 외향적인 사람(Extrovert)이라고 생각했다. Introvert는 수줍음을 많이 타고 사교적이지 않은 사람들, Extrovert는 명랑하고 사교적인 사람들 정도로 이해했다. 하지만 나의 정의는 틀린 것이었다. Introvert와 Extrovert는 자신이 어떤 곳에서 에너지를 얻느냐에 따라 결정된다. 혼자 있을 때 에너지가 충전되는 사람은 Introvert, 사람들과 같이 있을 때 힘을 얻는 사람은 Extrovert다. 사교적인 Introvert도 있고 (아마도) 수줍음 타는 Extrovert도 있다. 그 다음 자연스럽게 떠오르는 질문은 과연 나는 Introvert인가 Extrovert인가? 이다.
어렸을 때의 나는 확실하게 Introvert였다. 친구들과 노는 것보다 혼자 집에서 만화를 그리는 것을 좋아했으니까. 또, 집에 손님들이 들이닥치면 부엌에 숨곤 했다. 초등학교 때의 친구들은 하도 이사를 많이 다녀서 연락이 다 끊겼고, 중학교 1학년 때 친한 친구를 한 명 사귄 뒤 친구를 더 사귀어야겠다는 생각이 없었다. (그 친구는 지금도 가장 친한 친구다.) 고등학교 때도 다섯 손가락에 꼽힐 정도의 친구만 사귀었다. 나의 인간관계가 갑자기 팽창하기 시작한 것은 대학에 오고나서부터이다. 대학 친구들, 써클 사람들, 총학생회 사람들, 온라인 만화 동호회 사람들, 대학원 사람들, 교수님들, 직장 동료들... 그동안 좁디 좁았던 나의 사회적 반경을 보상이라도 하려는 듯, 나의 Social Network이 감당이 안 될 정도로 넓어지기 시작했다. 사람들은 나를 "마당발"이라고 불렀다. 내 결혼식 때 부모님 손님이 아니라 내 손님이 얼마나 많을까에 대해 이야기하기도 했다.
그런데 그게 과연 나에게 잘 맞는 옷이었을까? 돌이켜 보면, 사람이 많은 곳에 가는 것을 꺼려하진 않았지만, 다른 사람들이 신나게 술을 마시며 떠들 때 나는 주로 "관찰하는" 입장에 있곤 했다. 그래서인지 "냉소적"이라는 평가도 받았다. 작은 그룹에서는 신나게 수다를 떨기도 하지만... 그룹이 커질수록 나는 조용해졌다. 사람들과 어울리는 걸 꺼려하진 않지만 사람들이 많은 곳에 오래 있으면 피곤해졌다. 내가 가장 즐거워하는 자리는 3-4명의 "친한" 친구들이 모여서 "깊은" 대화를 나누는 거다. 혼자 있다 보면 꼬리에 꼬리를 무는 생각에 사로 잡히기 때문에, 나는 주로 생각하기 싫을 때 밖으로 뛰쳐나가곤 한다. 지금도 기억 나는 건... 아마 내가 대학원에 있을 때였을 거다. 보름인가 줄창 바깥으로 나돈 적이 있다. 그리고 어느 날 아침 세수를 하는데 코피가 터졌다. 황당했다. 페이퍼 쓰느라 몇 일씩 밤샘했을 때도 안 터진 코피가 열심히 놀았다고 터지다니...!!!
미국에서 나는 "은근히 Extrovert"라는 평가를 받기도 했다. 교회의 온갖 모임에 충실하게 참석했기 때문이다. 나도 어느 정도 수긍했었는데, 요즘에는 다시 내가 Introvert라는 쪽으로 돌아섰다. 미국에서는 주로 혼자 있는 시간이 많기 때문에 기회가 되는 대로 친구들과 어울리려고 노력한다. 하지만, 남들과 같이 있는 시간이 길어질수록 내 에너지가 고갈되는 걸 느낀다. 내가 가장 집중해서 일을 할 수 있고 생산적인 때는 혼자 집에 있을 때다. 하지만 내 친구들 중에는 잠시도 혼자 있길 싫어하는 친구들이 있다. 심지어 공부할 때도 옆에 사람이 있어야 한다. 이처럼 친한 친구들 중에 Super Extrovert들이 있다 보니 더더욱 나는 Extrovert가 아니라는 확신이 든다. 또, 지난 5월에 어머니께서 내 졸업식 참석차 미국에 오셨을 때 일주일간 24시간을 붙어 지내본 결과 나는 내가 Introvert라는 결론을 굳히게 되었다. Downtime을 전혀 갖지 못한 채 몇 일이 지났을 때 나는 말 그대로 폭발 직전에 이르렀다. 이런 내 성향이 결혼하거나 아이가 생겼을 때 문제가 될 수도 있겠다는 생각까지 들었다.
교회 친구가 Facebook에 아래의 기사를 링크했다. 자칭 Introvert인 저자가 "소수자"인 Introvert들이 Extrovert들이 주도하는 사회에서 얼마나 오해 및 차별을 받고 있는지에 대해 항변한 글이다. 이 글이 폭발적인 반응은 일으켜서 후속 시리즈로 저자와의 인터뷰, Introvert는 같은 Introvert와 사귀어야 하는가 아니면 Extrovert와 더 잘 맞는가에 대한 글들도 올라왔다. 참 재미있는 일이다. 미국은 확실히 Extrovert의 나라다. 미국의 파티는, 영화에서도 많이 봤겠지만, 술이나 음료수 한 잔 들고 계속 서서 이 사람 저 사람 옮겨 다니면서 수다를 떠는 거다. 미국에서 학회를 가도 사람들은 socializing에 여념이 없다. 교회 예배 후에도 한 시간 정도는 다들 catching up에 전념한다. 이런 사회에서 Introvert들은 생존에 위협을 느끼는지도 모르겠다.
The habits and needs of a little-understood group
by Jonathan Rauch
Caring for Your Introvert
Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.
I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.
Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.
What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."
How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."
Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.
Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.
Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)
With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.
The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."
How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.
Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"
Third, don't say anything else, either.
The URL for this page is http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch |
뭉실이
http://moongsil.com
60
